More stuff is typically not my jam. I’m picky selective and since working with Seattle-based bag manufacturer, Metamorphic, I see the world through an environmental lens. I would MUCH rather you spend your dough getting sweaty or on a donation in the name of Mike Pence. Spend it, don’t waste it!

Even though this makes me a horrible person to shop for, I can spot a cool gift when I see one. Here’s a quick and dirty round-up of a few of the best things I’ve bought this year that you can still get in time for the holidays. Items not included are my favorite running shoes because they are sold out everywhere. My influence is large, people. LARGE.

[Warning: these gifts will only be appreciated by the person in your life that’s cool AF.  If for some crazy reason any of these gifts aren’t received with a Tiger Woods style fist pump, that’s on you.]


  1. Nike Power Speed Tights [$150]. I know what I said ok. I know. Compression “printing” is not a real thing. But these pants feel great, they will make you jump high enough to confuse your friends and loved ones and they score very high on the cool-o-meter.
  2. Healthy Bones [$5.19]. This year, protect your future granny bones from hip fracture. Consult your doctor, not just some shmuck from the internet. #science
  3. Merry Fucking Christmas wrapping [$4]. Tis the season for being passive-aggressive!
  4. Glossier skin salve [$12]. I don’t care to know where your dry patches are, just deal with them, ok?
  5. Physical Therapy [$714/month]. Your friends and loved ones are tired of hearing you complain about your aches and pains. Time to hire it out. PT Phil at UW Sports Medicine helped me with injuries I’ve had since the late 80s. He also put up with my tears of frustration/pain/joy. Don’t feel bad about it. Just go.
  6. External Hard Drive [cheaper than therapy]. Back up your shit. Immediately.
  7. Glitter Makeup [$26]. I wear eye makeup every day, even when I work out. Why? Because my eyelids are the only things that don’t sweat and also, I’m not an animal.
  8. Health Warrior snack bars [$1.14]. Listen sporto, there’s nothing worse than a disgusting bar of glue as a post-workout snack. I’ll write more about these weird little chia bars another time but for now, get yourself a box and stuff them in the bottom of every stocking at the mantle.

Merry Christmas to the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!






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